The Choice (Story)

 

Disclaimer

If the characters and events of the story bear any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, then it is totally by choice. The story can take you back to past, think about your present and make you ponder over your decisions. It may seem strikingly similar to what you or someone you know has experienced or felt.  So if you can relate the choice to few choices you have made then it will seem very real.

In the end, we are whatever our choices intend us to be.   

Prologue

He gave me an option. I had never thought he would agree for something like this. As usual, he managed to surprise me. I could not fight my tears now. Sobbing in his warm embrace, I could smell my favorite perfume on his shirt. This is what I wanted today and forever. And I knew it was not possible and definitely not easy. But then I always opted for easy way out, he had often complained. Did that mean I was selfish? I didn’t know then.

And that day too, I had chosen, with a heavy heart, despite myself. What I had not realized was that this choice will be my decision and others later. The choice seemed painful but I thought I could pull it of. How naïve of me.!   

 

Vineeta: Present

I am sitting here by the windowsill, tired and drained. And lonely. Thinking about the chaotic morning that just passed by, I sip my coffee distractedly. I wonder how am I so used to it now. It was this usual morning mess filled with screams, chaos and angry bark outs “Vineeta, where the hell are my shoes? Cant you be a good wife for once in your entire lifetime.” 

“They are there under the bed.” I shouted back. Every one is in such a hurry in morning. I think we need to change our waking up patterns. This chaos gets too much to handle at times. Telling Chanda, my servant to keep his briefcase in his car I called out “Snow don’t you dare step out of the house unless you finish your breakfast.”

“Ughh.. Not again! Take a chill pill.” She made a cute gesture. And I smiled to her across my new Italian Modular Open Kitchen done in pristine white. Aahh! I love my kitchen, I thought to myself. Not because I love to cook or something but for the simple reason that its so beautiful. While I was busy admiring my modular cupboards, they went off to their schedules. Akash did not say bother to say bye. And I know I don’t care. He knows too.

Now everyone is gone and the house is scarily quiet. But I then like it this way. May be I don’t. Somehow I have learned to find peace in silence. The silence is interspersed by the sounds of occasional honking of cars outside. Despite sound-proof glasses, echoes of life do manage to come in to this rather lifeless sitting room. It is usually quiet outside at this hour. In a superior and slightly snobbish colony like Hauz Khas, where I live in a one-floor bungalow, people don’t really venture out much sans their swish cars. And vendors and hawkers are anyways not allowed. Hence it is mostly still at all the times. The colony is known for its plush green cover and glossy residents. I like the greenery part more. 

 Not knowing what else to think about, looking at my reflection in the dark tinted glasses of the window, I see a familiar face. Although she does look like me, she is not the Vineeta, I had known earlier. At 38, I look nothing beyond 32 years. Not that I am vain but people have often told me “You don’t look your age Vineeta.” Some of them think I take huge doses of botox frequently, few of them think its magical. But one thing is common to everyone. They are surely jealous. I know many women my age will kill for this charm but it does not matter to me anymore.

 Vineeta: Past

I was not careless for myself always. There was a time when I was one of the most gorgeous girls of the snooty south campus college Sri Venkteshwar, or Venky as it was fondly called. I was happy-go-lucky, vivacious and a bold girl. I had everything a girl could ask for. And people were jealous then also. There were times I thanked god for such a life. Living in that huge GK house was just perfect, full of parents love and loaded with friends. I had been a good student and a nice girl, too involved in my life to bother about anything outside. Time was just flying by watching movies at Chanakya cinema, enjoying evening walks in Saket market, shopping for all new trends, attending college and studying at times. I loved to dress up for evenings. I wore my silk churidar suits with stilettos. Little compact touch up and I was a glowing beauty ready to attend social dos. Mumma’s friends often commented in weddings and parties “Rama, you better beware. Someone will just steal this beauty one day. And you will just watch dumbstruck.” I blushed and my cheeks flushed red. Like all young girls I knew my marriage is going to be the turning point in my life. I got shivers whenever I thought of my marriage. Though I had no specific plans or clear dreams, I just knew it would be special. Whenever that would happen.

Amidst all the fun in life, he came into my life. I still remember, it was a usual sunny march day. The weather was beautiful with slight february chill still lingering in the air. A light breeze blew all over and filled the entire campus with sweet fragrance of fresh flowers. It was the blooming season. All the lawns were painted in various hues of purple, yellow and pink clusters of dahlias, roses and small little flowers. I always liked this season. In fact I always loved all the seasons be it the Delhi chilly winters or brown autumn. I was sitting in the canteen with friends planning for another movie outing. It was Dil playing on theaters and it starred my favorite Amir Khan. How amazing can he look, I always wondered. To any onlooker, we definitely looked like a bunch of jumping and squealing, very excited girls. Just a little short of crazy. And we loved it.  

 As engrossed I was in my plans for my Amir Khan, I did not notice when Raj came and stood near us. Raj, a final year senior with light brown eyes and similar tone hair, walked up to me and said “Vineeta, I think I need to talk to you.” And my heart fluttered for unknown reasons.

Just when I was delving into my past memories, a phone ring brought me back to reality. “Mom, I am gonna go for movies with Sid. Will head back home around dinner. And I if I am late then you and papa go ahead. Don’t wait for me. kays?”

“Hmmm. Have fun sweets.” I replied not thinking.

Vineeta and Snow: Back to Present

It was Snow, my sunshine and my daughter. And before I could say anything further she had disconnected.  I wasn’t really listening anyways. I was still in the campus wearing the same blue dress with a white scarf. And I could still smell Ram ki canteen’s special chai on my table. Even today it seemed so real. For the first time, I had felt speechless. It was so filmy and it was happening to me. I was exhilarated and I didn’t exactly know why.

But Snow’s call did pull me back to reality, my present life with an adorable daughter and a husband. And that life seems perfect and glossy from outside, another reason for people to feel envious. What they don’t know is what happens after the perfect and happy family mask is worn off. I know the reality of this façade. It’s not pleasant.

Behind the pretense of a rich, classy, almost perfect and happy family, lives an unhappy and cold couple. I am not happy and he is not happy too. For our own reasons. And we have given up the hope and efforts to be happy a long time ago. I tried to love Akash. I really did. And I failed. And so did he. He tried to love me too. But he could not find me. I was a changed girl after marriage. The vivaciousness of me he had liked had gone away. Something in me had died or given away to a new Vineeta. We both did not recognize this Vineeta. One choice and one decision had changed my life and his too. And made him bitter and disappointed man. I don’t blame him completely for that. I know I am one of the reasons but I cant help it, even if I want to. I know I had failed him as a wife. And there was nothing I can change about it. I don’t like it either. After 19 years of staying together I am now sure of one thing – our marriage was never based on love or compatibility. And it was an unhappy one. It’s a mere formality, for all the reasons I know of.

The only respite in this rather unwanted and mundane life came from my dear daughter. She makes me feel alive. She makes the life feel worthwhile. I do not think we get along like friends but she is the only person alive I love totally. She is probably one of the factors I am holding back to this defunct marriage. She is the only thread that keeps us tied at the corners of this very weak and tattered fabric called marriage. And the irony here is Snow always reminded me of a person whose memories just refuse to go away, even after 19 years. 

And these days she is in love with Sid. Well supposedly. He is a nice boy. I have known him for quite a few years. We might not be the best friends-type-mother-daughter but I do understand her even if her father has constantly blamed me for ruining her ways. Apparently I gave her a lot of undesired liberty. I know I chose rightfully when she went to the prestigious Modern School. Akash was barely there when she was growing up. He was always way too much engrossed into his work. She was extremely social even as a young kid. She loved to have people around her. If she was not my darling daughter I could have called her an innocent attention monger. Just like old Vineeta. She anyways never had to do much to grab attention. Her natural beauty and charm did that. 

She has always surprised with her strength in many matters. She could be cute, strong, bold, demure, naughty, all in one go. I wanted her to be strong enough to take her decisions, independently and to be able to fight for her choices. I know what not-so-right decisions can lead to and how difficult it becomes to take a decision out of no choices. I want to give her the choices I was never given – to live and find her own happiness, her way. And I want her to listen to her heart and choose wisely, unlike me.

Vineeta and Raj: Past

Between so much thinking, my coffee has gone cold. It tastes stale. Keeping down the cup with a puckered face, I flew back to my campus in my thoughts. 19 years back, I had committed the unforgettable felony and fallen in love. That one meeting with Raj had taken me to another rosy world, altogether. He had asked me to help him with the reservations for upcoming annual trip to Simla. He was the president of CBS - Co Curricular Board of Students. “My dad has one of the most popular travel agencies in area is just a coincidental fact. He definitely is looking for lame reasons to talk to me.”  I thought to myself, hopefully.

I had heard about love at first sight. Suddenly I wanted to believe all of romantic crap I had read in novels. Something took over me, like some spirit just enchanted me. In one moment, I wanted him to be my Rhett Butler and Mr. Rochester. “Oh why can’t you be my Darcy?” I could remember all the characters so clearly. “My literature professor Mr. Ahuja will be so pleased if he could hear my thoughts about whatever he had taught. “ I chuckled to myself. The funniest part was despite thinking so vividly I could not cough up words. I am so stupid, he must be thinking. “Well, No. Aah! Yes. Sure. Let me see. I could always help with that stuff.” I finally managed to blurt out.  

 I still don’t remember what had pulled me strongly towards him. He was just another above average looking boy. Not worth anything more than a second glance. I had been pursued by many good-looking hunks of Venky. But I had never shown any interest. And here he was a simple boy with no pretentious attitude, still I could not help myself falling for him. His integrity and principles were definitely a huge draw. A small conversation about trip reservations soon led to movies and lunch dates. It  gradually became a routine. Even after being with him for more than 10 months, I could still feel butterflies every time I met him. With him I was suddenly looking into mirrors much often than before.

All those stupid romantic songs and poems seemed more meaningful now. I wrote real long letters for him. But never gave him those. I was scared that he might think I am some type of psycho. Suddenly I liked and understood Romeo and Juliet better. And Mr. Ahuja appreciated that. A pretty girl had become glowing prettier. He had changed me and in some ways bettered me. He had become my personal Amir Khan. 

Ours was not the most perfect couple but it did catch an occasional jealous glare when we walked hand in hand.  And how I loved it. All the times when he waited outside college gate waiting for me so that we could walk in together, made me realize I was special. The best about him was that he accepted me with my slight mad streak. Even if I was not the perfect girl, I knew for him I was right. With him I was completely myself at times and a different new girl at times. And that made me love him again every time.

On a freezing January evening, he picked me up from our usual pik-up point, just outside GK, and we went to Saket market for a stroll. Enjoying my favorite strawberry ice cream in a cold winter evening was yet another perfect date. We interlocked our fingers as we walked. Despite the chilly wind, I felt cozy and warm. Relishing my ice cream I realized he had stopped, rather frozen. Confused I looked at his face to catch an expression. Confusion, fear and determination, all of these passed by in quick succession. “What’s wrong baba?” I asked perplexed. I did not know what he had seen.

“Shweta aunty. Shit…” was all I could make out of his slight mumbling. And then I saw her. Right in front of us she stared at both of us with shocked expression. I could still smell her imported perfume from a distance. I was numb. But I had realized Raj had not left my hand. He was the only reminder of a live world around me. I dropped my ice cream on to the grass. It seemed all the hustle bustle of the market was still on. But two of us had frozen. And our worlds too froze.

 I wanted to say something but I could not find words. Neither did he. The silence was getting increasingly awkward now. “I had to come up with something and salvage the situation some how. But what?” I quietly asked myself, trying not to show the panic.

“Namaste aunty.” Raj had broken the ice and spoken before me. He knew I hated to face and react to such awkward situations. I liked my life slightly easy. And he always made it so.

“Ummm…You and here.?” I could see the question and suspicion in her eyes.

“Wel yeah aunty. We just bumped into each other.” Raj quickly replied as I shifted right next to him. But he did not leave my hand. He was there for me and will always be. He assured me without saying a word. I fell in love with him again.

Shweta aunty quickly left dazed and shocked to some extent. Raj looked at me and we burst out laughing. We laughed a lot that evening. This is how our relationship was. He stood by me when he knew I could not face it alone. And we laughed it off later, despite the fact that we both knew we had just escaped being caught.

But this happiness phase did not last long. And Papa soon found out about us. We expected him to be angry. But he was just quiet and that scared me. “It will be alright. We will work out a solution.” Raj told me and I felt relieved.

One day without asking me any questions, I was told I was to get married in 2 months to Akash. He was Aggarwal Uncle’s son. I had known him socially. But how could I marry him?

I met Raj in college lawns under the pretext of literature classes and told him the entire scenario between sobs. He asked me if I wanted all this. I wanted him to go and talk to papa and get married to me. He was too nervous to do the official talk. First time I doubted him and his love for me. But his eyes could not lie. He was just as scared as I was. I convinced him. But the efforts turned fruitless and papa refused to budge.

Vineeta : The Choice 

He gave me an option. I had never thought he would agree for something like this. As usual, he managed to surprise me. I could not fight my tears now. Sobbing in his warm embrace, I could smell my favorite perfume on his shirt. This is what I wanted today and forever. And I knew it was not possible and definitely not easy. But then I always opted for easy way out, he had often complained. Did that mean I was selfish? I didn’t know then.

And that day too, I had chosen, with a heavy heart, despite myself. What I had not realized was that this choice will be my decision and others later. The choice seemed painful but I thought I could pull it of. How naïve of me.!

I thought I would be able to survive a marriage. So what if I loved Raj with all my heart but I knew I did not have strength to elope and start a new life altogether, even if it meant being with him forever. I knew Akash, and he was a smart educated boy. We could definitely maintain a marriage.  And in two months I was married. I was no longer Vineeta Goyal but Vineeta Akash Gupta. A different unhappy woman. And still in love with Raj. After almost a year of trying to be a good wife, me and Akash had realized, our marriage was not working out. Consequences of 

Thinking of all the years after that, my life just flashed in front of me. And reliving the memories, I smile helplessly just as when a tear crossed my cheeks. Is the doorbell ringing, I wonder. Oh yes. It definitely is. I don’t know how long has it been ringing. “Chanda open the door, it must be Akash.” I yelled, wiping my face. But no one responded. The bell rang again. “I will have to go and get it myself.”

Reluctantly I got up and went to the door. “He has got the keys. Why can’t he just open the door himself? Had I been sleeping, he would have to do it.”

Tying my long hair with a clip, I open the door little irritated. Whoever stood at the door was totally unexpected. It is the echo of past few hours and memories I had just re lived, standing in person. It is the man I have been thinking about for past 19 years. It is Raj, well an older version of my Raj. It is not even a dream come true for me. I had never imagined seeing him again after the last time I met in college. For the longest moment, everything stopped. I do not know how to react. Can I cry or should I laugh?  I am at a loss of words after a very long time. It seems as if we are meeting in college canteen again for the first time. All I could manage to do was to hug him. And all the questions and loneliness and despair flowed down in tears in his arms.

Snow: The Daughter in Present

“C’mon Siddie, I don’t wanna miss the beginning. And if I do then you will have to tolerate this girlie movie all over again with me.” I giggled as I pulled him along for yet another movie. How much I loved to torture Sid. My poor Sidharth Sharma. And how strongly I felt for him. He is the stabilizing factor in my eccentric life. At 18, we have been going strong for past two years, after being best buddies since grade 9. I often tell my friends that he is my blessing in this world. Everyone in college knows about us and is jealous of us. I love that part.

My life seems perfect from outside. I am a typical South Delhi girl enjoying her youth with a handsome, caring boyfriend cum best friend, a promising career in fashion design and a nice loving family. Well almost. Between all of this cool life, my family is not perfect. There have always been underlying tensions in my not so warm house. All of us realize that something is missing but I can’t point what it is.

As I disconnected the call I told Sid, “Today again mom sounded so lost. Only if I could know why.”

“Snow baby this is your favorite actor. Focus on the movie baby.” He whispered to me. It seems as if she is looking for something always. And she doesn’t know herself what is it. I have asked her quite a lot of times.

“Oh its nothing. Just like that house and family and things.” And she ignored.

There have been times when she was happy and content. But the intensity has definitely been lower.  Dad has been quite busy and cold himself all his life. May be its him or his schedule. I do not really know. And at times I don’t want to know.

Popcorn in my hand and Sid’s arm on my shoulder brought me out of my thoughtful world. The movie ended at a happy note. Life should also be like it. After a nice quick dinner I am back home. I do not like the thought of another tense night in this silent and cold home. But today something was different. Mom was a little awkward in the silence. But then whatever, I shrugged.

This uneasiness has been continuing for a few months now. I am now noticing mom is behaving a little weird. She seems happier than before but eyes seem to portray something else. Like before they seem to be looking for something, but with a different zeal. Its like she wants to hide something and feels its not right too. I asked her what is the matter but mom changed the topic.

I think I need to discuss this with Sid. “Oh Just chill Snow. It might be the grown up phenomena. Why do you need to interfere?  Give your mom some time. If things still don’t work out then may be you could have a girlie discussion with her.”

“Yeah may be. I don’t need to. It’s her life after all. But what the hell ! She is my mom and I ought to know.”

It’s almost 5 months and I had actually forgotten about the talk I intended to have with mom. Last week I went to mom’s room to ask her for her new silk scarf. I saw few of bags packed. And mom was sitting on the windowsill, her favorite place, lost in her own world. She was looking at my childhood pictures and admiring them. A tear dropped on my first birthday picture. I sensed something was drastically wrong. He air felt heavy suddenly.

“What is the matter mom? You going somewhere? With Dad?” I asked with a lump in my throat. I knew it in an instant. Mom had a huge fight with Dad and she was going to GK to her parent’s house.

“No. I wont let my family slip away like this. No ways. I will speak to Dad if that is what it takes.” I resolved before she even said something. 

“No I was.” Mom replied with a sigh. And I was suddenly relieved. I wanted to go hug her and tell her how much she and Dad meant to me that moment. But I stopped. I could see she had been crying. Her eyes were puffy and red. He really had cried a lot. It worried me all the more. And then she told me the truth.

 

Snow: The Truth

I always said truth is the most overrated virtue. There is no place for saints in the world. And it is because everyone puts the truth in such a high regard, people end up lying and hiding things. I do believe in clarity in relationships but till the time the truth doesn’t kill the people involved.  And I am not ready to face or accept any such truths now.

Mom told me that she was supposed to be going. Forever. With some one else.

Two sentences and my world shattered in front of me. My mom was actually having an affair with a man and she intended to elope, leaving all of us. How could my mom do it? My mother.!!

I ran away from there and hid myself in my room.  I could not believe it. Mothers are not supposed to fall in love. My mom couldn’t. This only happens in American sitcoms or the stupid novels. It can’t be real. I called up Sid. 

“I did not even hear her story, who was the man…No I cant talk to her….How does it matter…Sid, but she is my mom. What will happen to dad, to me…and Nanaji, you think he will be able to take this…how could she not think about any of us…” I was howling and shivering with anger, shock and grief. “She can’t go. I need them both here.” I told Sid. He suggested me to talk.

After a few hours of relentless crying and anger breakouts I was able to think. Not clearly but yes I thought I was ready to talk to mom.  On my way to her room I was thinking of my life and childhood. It felt strange. I have played in this corridor and suddenly it seemed so dark and never ending. I could see no light at the end .

I always knew something lacked between my parents. No matter how hard they tried to put up a pretense of a normal couple, I could see beyond Dad’s bitterness and mom’s withdrawn attitude. But I could not believe my mom was in love with some one else. She had an extra marital affair for past 8 months. Was Unhappy marriage really a license? Where did you get the get the strength of going against the moral fabric of society? Dad knows? Will you both stay together? Will you actually move out? I will be asking a lot of questions today. 

 

Vineeta and Snow: The Truth and the Final Choice

A very distraught Snow came to my room. In one moment I was thankful to see her but in next moment her state worried me. Anxious I got up and rushed to hold her. But she blocked coldly. “Mom I need to talk. Please. And you probably know what I need to talk about.” she said curtly.

“Yeah I think so.” Explaining about your love affair to your teenage daughter was the last thing I had imagined myself doing. I hope she will understand. Seeing her I realized all hope had not been lost. And I gathered courage. I was ready.

 Starting with how we met in college, I told Snow about how I loved and lost and loved again. A whirlwind romance followed after that brief encounter in afternoon. I knew it is not right. It is against the society and morals. But this time I was determined not to make the easy choice and was ready to fight for it. I was not a18 year immature girl anymore. I love Raj and have always loved him, even in moments I did not know about it. I told Snow how one wrong choice for a seemingly easy life had changed everything for me. And for Akash too.

Snow blamed me for Akash’s behavior. But I had accepted that reality long time back and learned to live with it. May be Snow too was used to Akash and his indifferent anger.

“But you decided to go mom? Wasn’t I a reason enough anymore for you to stay and continue?” Snow asked with tears in her eyes. She could barely speak.

“Hmmm…if you really want to know then Yes Snow. You were primarily the reason I held onto it.” I wiped her tears with the end of my scarf.

One day while having coffee in our favorite coffee shop in Taj Ambassador, Raj asked me to move in with him. “We can always file for a divorce later. But you don’t have to live in that unhappy place anymore.” He held my hand.

“But I have a lovely daughter in that unhappy place. Raj.” I told him. And I can’t just abandon her for my own selfish reasons.

“You have to make a choice this time again, Vineeta. Snow is more than welcome to live with us. And you know I am saying this with all my heart. You just have to talk to her. She is 17. I am sure she will understand.”

“I had really decided to go Snow. Despite everything. But you are still my reason for my life. And I am so sorry for letting you go through this ordeal. I really am.” Before I could complete, Snow moved closer to me and laid her head in my lap. Just like old days. And I felt complete. Could there be anything in this world that can make me feel more content and happier than seeing her smiling in her sleep? I caressed her and kissed her lightly.

“I don’t know mom what’s wrong or what is right, now. But I really think if you think you want to go then you must. I know you are my mom and I still cannot accept that you love some one. But you are entitled to make your own choices. It is your life after all and I will not judge you. I will try to love you the same way. Despite everything.” Snow told me tired and drowsy. I patted her and she drifted off to sleep in my lap.

“Lets see. I still have to make the choice. And this time the decision will be hopefully right if not easy.” I whispered to Raj on phone. I smiled lightly with a tinge of sadness and pain.

We are our choices after all.   

The Choice is about choices we all make. At times they are simple and easy to follow and at times they just seem to be.

Its about Vineeta and Snow. Their conflicts and their choices. The story is about how choices made by these two women change their own lives as well as of those who are connected.

It traces their journey across the path of these choices where Snow finds herself and Vineeta. For Vineeta she looses herself, finds her lost love, redefines her take on life and ultimately realizes the consequences of accepting her own choices.

The Choice affirms my philosophy “ We seldom make our choices independently and un-influenced. And they never affect only us.” 

Vineeta, a married woman reminisces about her past and ponders over her decisions as a young girl. She wonders if life would have been different if she had chosen differently, then and now.

Snow a modern young girl faced with consequences Vineeta’s choices has to make her own choices. Her decisions today will influence her life with same intensity as her mother’s did 19 years back.

Akash and Raj, the men, their lives changed with Vineeta’s choices in past and will change again.